Life is a constant roller coaster with constant ups and downs. I was so naive when I was in my 20s. I am 33 years old now, I should know better. I am a kind of a person who usually likes to have things under control and firmly believes that people are generally good. I believe in kindness and that it always comes back to you. I am slowly learning we can not control everything. It is impossible to control how people treat you. In the end, you are responsible for your own actions only. It’s a fact you can not argue with.
Last year has been full of disappointment and grief. It is easier to think and write about it after some time. Time is a natural healer, they say.
I have been in a relationship for almost 10 years. Since the last day I saw him, I am having random aha moments. Things I thought were normal, turned out to be huge red flags, only I was always deceived. I blamed myself for it at the time. I was keep telling myself I must be stupid I fell for it.
I still can not comprehend why would somebody do something like this to his/her partner. To a person you married and planned family together.
My question to you: Why did you bother with all when it was all a lie?
I had no idea I fell in love with an abusive narcissist. The wound is still fresh as it is difficult to accept the fact that somebody who is supposed to love you is actually manipulating and emotionally abusing you. It took me 3 visits to the Women’s Aid to finally realize it. My entire world fell apart when the police came for the second time in the middle of the night. I still remember the next day. I was sitting on the sofa in our rented apartment and couldn’t even move. I was scared of every sound and in complete shock. I remember I wasn’t even capable of crying. I couldn’t look at myself because I didn’t want to see bruises and that cigarette mark on my forehead. Not only lying, manipulating, cheating, gaslighting and deceiving, but physically abusive as well. This was my husband.
After almost a year and first few months of hell, which included moving to my friend’s place who had 2 kids for almost 2 months, flying to my home country and back, losing a job in the meantime, all of my savings, I have finally realized I am finally becoming me again. I live in a nice apartment in another city, I have my dog and I actually started a new job 6 months ago.
What I have also learned is that after all it happened, it did make me much stronger. I discovered strength in me I never knew existed. I still have a long way to go, but there will come a day when I will be able to feel, trust and give love again.
I still believe in good in people. What I also believe is that an experience can only hold you back if you let it. I am definitely not letting it, there is too much to see and experience and I want to live and breathe it all.
